The Loneliness of the 4:30AM Blogger
The alarm rings. It is next to Tom, and I mutter snooze, snooze. This happens 3 times before I realize it is Saturday. I can write! I have been writing about depression and prostates all week, and now I can write what I want.
Doing the right thing is hard. At the moment the right thing is to pay some serious bills. The right thing is to spend time with Gavin. This translates to postponing a freelance life that allows more than technical writing, and to limited creative time. I am green with envy when I hear of writers pursuing grants, pounding out book proposals. I know it’s been done by some working moms, but the timing is not right for me. So I cling to plans for a big sea change in a couple of years, when Gavin hits grade school and we’ve hacked away more of this mountain of debt.
Why is balance so elusive? I am finally taking care of myself—walking nearly every morning. But this means less time for the house, less time for Gavin, fewer calls to my family. It negates going in early to work to get ahead on my assignments. It means less writing, although I hope to turn the walks into idea factories (I can muse over essay ideas as I do my mile or two around town).
Not too long ago I Googled something like less than 8 hours of sleep. I was looking for some sort of sleep retraining plan, some evidence that only 5 or 6 hours of sleep might work for me! How much time I would gain! But even Google, with its vast reaches to China, Australia, and Zimbabwe, would not tell me what I wanted to hear. Sleep forfeit is not a long-term solution.
This week I finally admitted that something has got to give. No matter what the magazines tell us, you can not do it all. There are simply not enough hours in the day, not if you are a working mom. So your life is a series of choices. Which task is more important? What can wait? When do tasks stop so you can get some down time? The cascade of choices recalls my days as an emergency room nurse, when I was constantly triaging patients and tasks.
I remember one thing about emergency room life: you had to know what couldn’t wait. Not just life-threatening emergencies, but even little things that would create an avalanche of wasted time. If you let your IV bag run dry, even for a short period, then perhaps you’d have to start a new line. You’d have to get the kit to put a new IV in, a new bag, make room so that no one would bump you while you inserted the new needle. You might not get the vein the first time. Besides the obvious effects on the patient, I learned quickly that even small neglects add up to large swaths of lost opportunity.
I have to think more about how this translates to my life today. Maybe more importantly, I have to choose what must be set aside. I love the idea of cutting out some clutter—physical, mental, or otherwise—to make room for what really counts. But rule number one: I have to know what can’t wait. I’ve got the big things, child care and bills, covered. But for me personally, the can’t waits are my newfound fitness, and the absolute necessity to get my blog in on Saturdays. In a few years, it will be the need to pursue my writing dream full time, before it dies on the vine. I can feel the urgency rising.
Gavin’s still sleeping, so there’s time to check in on some fellow bloggers and my online writing group. Precious time well spent.
Doing the right thing is hard. At the moment the right thing is to pay some serious bills. The right thing is to spend time with Gavin. This translates to postponing a freelance life that allows more than technical writing, and to limited creative time. I am green with envy when I hear of writers pursuing grants, pounding out book proposals. I know it’s been done by some working moms, but the timing is not right for me. So I cling to plans for a big sea change in a couple of years, when Gavin hits grade school and we’ve hacked away more of this mountain of debt.
Why is balance so elusive? I am finally taking care of myself—walking nearly every morning. But this means less time for the house, less time for Gavin, fewer calls to my family. It negates going in early to work to get ahead on my assignments. It means less writing, although I hope to turn the walks into idea factories (I can muse over essay ideas as I do my mile or two around town).
Not too long ago I Googled something like less than 8 hours of sleep. I was looking for some sort of sleep retraining plan, some evidence that only 5 or 6 hours of sleep might work for me! How much time I would gain! But even Google, with its vast reaches to China, Australia, and Zimbabwe, would not tell me what I wanted to hear. Sleep forfeit is not a long-term solution.
This week I finally admitted that something has got to give. No matter what the magazines tell us, you can not do it all. There are simply not enough hours in the day, not if you are a working mom. So your life is a series of choices. Which task is more important? What can wait? When do tasks stop so you can get some down time? The cascade of choices recalls my days as an emergency room nurse, when I was constantly triaging patients and tasks.
I remember one thing about emergency room life: you had to know what couldn’t wait. Not just life-threatening emergencies, but even little things that would create an avalanche of wasted time. If you let your IV bag run dry, even for a short period, then perhaps you’d have to start a new line. You’d have to get the kit to put a new IV in, a new bag, make room so that no one would bump you while you inserted the new needle. You might not get the vein the first time. Besides the obvious effects on the patient, I learned quickly that even small neglects add up to large swaths of lost opportunity.
I have to think more about how this translates to my life today. Maybe more importantly, I have to choose what must be set aside. I love the idea of cutting out some clutter—physical, mental, or otherwise—to make room for what really counts. But rule number one: I have to know what can’t wait. I’ve got the big things, child care and bills, covered. But for me personally, the can’t waits are my newfound fitness, and the absolute necessity to get my blog in on Saturdays. In a few years, it will be the need to pursue my writing dream full time, before it dies on the vine. I can feel the urgency rising.
Gavin’s still sleeping, so there’s time to check in on some fellow bloggers and my online writing group. Precious time well spent.
posted by Katherine H | 3:03 AM
3 Comments:
Hi Katherine. I came across your blog from CT Weblogs, and thought I'd say 'hello.' I, too, aspire to someday spend meaningful time on creative writing, while in the interim doing a job and paying the bills. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you have company. Blog on!
KATHY, LOVED THE LITTLE PIC OF YOUR NEWFOUND FELLOW BLOGGER!
AS USUAL, A NICELY WRITTEN ESSAY WHICH SEEMS TO BE ALL ABOUT BALANCE. TIS WHAT WE ALL NEED IN WHATEVER STAGE OF LIFE WE ARE. I GUESS IT'S ALL ABOUT PRIORITIES.
I LIKE YOUR IDEA OF WALKING(LIKE JOYCE'S RUNNING) MAY EVOLVE INTO AN IDEA CHURNING MACHINE.
KEEP UP THE GOOD BLOGS! I DO ENJOY THEM EACH SAT. MORN.
LOVE, M.
Oh, this is incredibly well-written, I love it! I'm glad I managed to surf in here and I'll definetly come back to read more :)
thank you :D
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